Man’s Fear, Ocean’s Love
Embracing the Inner Fear and Enjoying the Ride of Life
Every time I returned back from the sea, I always want to write something down — rhythm of the nature, the swell, the tides, the day and night, the weather fronts, a bit of seasick just like a bit hangover after the party, but there is much more than that, something more complex, incomprehensible, special about the sea just captivates me.
I have always been fear of waters. 2013, Cancun, company outing, boat trip, open ocean, my first day of work. Somehow, I jumped into the water in front of all the colleagues-to-be, completely forgetting that I cannot swim well when I was tipsy . My CEO offered me the towel and asked “Are you okay?” I was that shy nerdy only Chinese in the company who was trying to fit in and be cool. Ever since then, I always have this little sound in my head once I get closer to the water ‘you will make fool of yourself again’
What will be logic behind that sound? It is funny that I keep wanting to escape the land in search of freedom in a broader horizon but the fears of waters, flying, or even the sense of loneliness tend to hold me back, which creates a constant battle in my head. After years, I learned all of those little sound in the heads is called “limited belief” — the stories that we constantly tell ourselves of not getting what we want as a justification. But I know I have to find my own way to make it work for me again.
I don’t think I get it all figure it out 7 years after. All what I have done is to push myself back to the ocean again and again and just show up myself there. So here I am, again, trying my first wakeboarding. Most of times I sat on the edge with sweaty hands and pounding heart, getting prepared for the next moment that I will make fool of myself again.
But the magic thing happened 10 minutes after forcing myself to dip into the water — I feel I am wading into a new body of water and it’s cold and my skin prickles and it takes a while to muster up the courage to put my belly button, chest, neck, and finally entire head underwater. And then I emerge back onto the surface and my whole body is warm and acclimatized. The music of birds, the light of colours, the silence and the breeze…I feel I am being absorbed by the nature around me. No more painful chills, no more questioning. At the other side of fear, there is nothing else apart from me — my breath and my thoughts. All the worries in life become so insignificant when I am physically and mentally connected with the water.
It feels like nature gives me all the power and courage that I ever need. Ocean can make me feel tiny, humble, inspired and confident. Contradictory but true. I come to term that I can be scared and brave at the same time. ALL IN ONCE.
Strange thing is after I returned to the land, the fear comes back again. Being on the land doesn’t mean I can be grounded…Fear of missing out, fear of not being good enough, fear of losing the things which have never belonged to me. Maybe it’s the time to head back to the ocean again?
“We are not afraid to love, sometimes we are just afraid of not being loved”
